"My Fortune Beckoning Cat"

I changed the batteries in my

Fortune beckoning cat,

And set him in my window,  beckoning again.

Then I asked Barclaycard to repay all the

Personal Payment Insurance

That had been wrongly sold me!

Wrongly sold?

I believe that is a euphemism for theft!

“Wow!” said the man from Barclays.

“That’s a good pay-out!”

But I’d had three of his colleagues

On the ‘phone only a month or two before.

Demanding that I give them the few pounds

That I send to Médecins Sans Frontiéres

Each month. And what I send to Unicef

And WaterAid and Macmillan and a few more.

They said they had a higher priority than

The starving millions in Africa and Asia!

They said they could have me evicted!

Thugs in suits!

“Go ahead and evict me,” I said.

“See what bloody fools you’ll look,

Evicting a 70 year old Disabled Veteran

Just because you stopped

Lending ‘Interest Only’ Mortgages

To people of my age.

You’re not dying from dirty water

Or lack of medicines!  Though your lack

Of manners may be terminal!”

They reluctantly agreed to let me stay

For a short while,

Provided I increase my monthly payments

By six hundred and twenty five per cent!

I was forced to sell my house!

And promptly rented it back!

I paid off my mortgage and all other debts.

Barclays didn’t even say, “Thank you!”

But then I changed the batteries in my

Fortune beckoning cat!

“Wow!” said the man from Barclays.

“That’s a good pay-out!”

“That’s not a pay-out!” I said,

“That’s you paying me back

All the money you’ve stolen from me

In the last eighteen or twenty years!”

And then I went out and bought another

Fortune beckoning cat…..

Just in case!

No wonder the Chinese

Are so enamoured of

These ‘Lucky Cats!’

Now Barclays keep asking me

To transfer any balances I might have

To them!

‘More neck than a brass giraffe,’

Springs to mind.

One cat beckons…

The other waves Barclays off….

It reminds me of the legendary bird

Whose cry sounds remarkably like

“Fuggoff… Fuggoff!”

Copyright © Res JFB 27th April 2013