Have
you ever started tidying up
And
kept on finding things
That
needed a special place.
Ten
years worth of eye-glasses
With
matching tinted versions
That
need their own box.
And
bills and bank statements
That
need checking for PPI payments.
And
pencils worn too short to use
But
still too good to throw away!
And
a penknife with a thing to take
Boy
Scouts out of horses hooves.
And
foreign stamps that you’ve put aside
For
someone, but you can’t remember
Which
box they live in!
There’s
boxes that wrist watches came in
And
one full of foreign coins.
Rolls
of double sided sticky tape
In
case you ever get invited to appear
On
Blue Peter.
Rolls
of sticky address labels
For
the last house not this one!
A
Japanese Lacquer and Mother of Pearl box
With
slips of paper with a Chinese God on them.
"Wei
T’o, Protector of Books.
Insures
against fire, destructive insects
And
Dishonest
borrowers!"
Which
I stick in the frontispiece
Of
all my books.
Usually
works!
A
Monocular, in a belt pouch
That
I’ve been looking for
Forever!
Two
boxes with sliding lids
Each
containing two pairs
Of
Chop sticks.
Very
hard to open
No
wonder the Chinese are all so thin.
A large wallet
Containing an out-of-date Passport
Discharge Papers from the Army
"Assessments of Military Conduct and Character"
"Exemplary"
I must have fooled somebody!
A very old Birth Certificate
Circa 1942
And my old medals!
Some Chinese Lucky Money Envelopes
And some Hell Banknotes!
Millions of Dollars
Of money for the Dead!
My "Funeral Plan"
A large envelope containing
All the details of my funeral
Already bought and paid for
To save others the expense!
"The Way of Life
According to
Lao Tzu"
By Witter Bynner.
My favourite translation
Of the "Tao Te Ching"
My constant companion
Since I was in my twenties.
And Gibran's "The Prophet"
Travelling with me
Almost as long!
Two
peacock feathers
And
a set of brass divining rods.
Two
pairs of Chinese Exercise Balls
That
ring like chimes.
No,
there’s a third pair, smaller.
A
nice little hexagonal bamboo box
With
a wooden stash box inside.
But
alas no stash!
Pencil
boxes full of pencils
Worn
too short to use
But
still too good to throw away.
Now
where did I put those other
Pencils?
There
are no Gods or Goddesses here
I
care for them better,
But
there might be their footprints
In
the dust.
An old Head-hunter's Mandu
Hanging by my chair
Still sharp enough to take a head
Or chop through thickest jungle.
A Gurkha Kukri
From my days with those
Gentle souls from the Mountains!
A
carved box full of yet more pencils
Still
haven’t found the first lot!
And
two little plastic tick lifters
For
getting ticks off dogs.
There’s
a Chinese Water Pipe,
But
without a tassel or the right tools.
People
think they’re Opium Pipes,
But
that’s just wishful thinking,
They’re
one shot tobacco pipes!
I
know what an Opium Pipe looks like!
But
I don’t have one.
Anymore!
Here’s
a Stanley knife,
Still
sharp, because
I
just cut my thumb on it!
I
was looking for the bandage
I
put on it, everywhere!
Finally
I found it floating
In
the loo. Guess I can’t
Use
that one again!
And
special cloths for cleaning
Your
eye-glasses but
They’re
never large enough!
A
tube of glue, set so hard
I
might use it for a wedge
To
keep the back door open.
At
this point I turn around
And
find all my tidying
Has
wrecked my room.
Destroyed
it utterly!
It’s
worse than when I started.
There
are piles of papers
And
boxes piled
All
over the room!
Bags
of shredded documents
And
the shreds that escaped
On
the Carpet!
And
a foot has come off
My
guillotine
And
I just can’t abide
A
wobbly guillotine!
And
I can’t find my glasses!
They’re
not on my nose
And
they’re not on my forehead.
Where
the f**k did I put
That
cardboard box
Full
of old eye-glasses?
I
should have listened
To
Dear Dorothy.
She
says there’s always
Better
things to do
Than
to clean and tidy!
I
just know she’s right!
Anybody
want any
Very
short pencils?
Copyright © Res
JFB 1st August 2015