"Tidying Up"

Have you ever started tidying up

And kept on finding things

That needed a special place.

Ten years worth of eye-glasses

With matching tinted versions

That need their own box.

And bills and bank statements

That need checking for PPI payments.

And pencils worn too short to use

But still too good to throw away!

And a penknife with a thing to take

Boy Scouts out of horses hooves.

And foreign stamps that you’ve put aside

For someone, but you can’t remember

Which box they live in!

There’s boxes that wrist watches came in

And one full of foreign coins.

Rolls of double sided sticky tape

In case you ever get invited to appear

On Blue Peter.

Rolls of sticky address labels

For the last house not this one!

A Japanese Lacquer and Mother of Pearl box

With slips of paper with a Chinese God on them.

"Wei T’o, Protector of Books.

Insures against fire, destructive insects

And

Dishonest borrowers!"

Which I stick in the frontispiece

Of all my books.

Usually works!

A Monocular, in a belt pouch

That I’ve been looking for

Forever!

Two boxes with sliding lids

Each containing two pairs

Of Chop sticks.

Very hard to open

No wonder the Chinese are all so thin.

A large wallet
Containing an out-of-date Passport
Discharge Papers from the Army
"Assessments of Military Conduct and Character"
"Exemplary"
I must have fooled somebody!
A very old Birth Certificate
Circa 1942
And my old medals!

Some Chinese Lucky Money Envelopes
And some Hell Banknotes!
Millions of Dollars
Of money for the Dead!

My "Funeral Plan"
A large envelope containing
All the details of my funeral
Already bought and paid for
To save others the expense!

"The Way of Life
According to
Lao Tzu"
By Witter Bynner.
My favourite translation
Of the "Tao Te Ching"
My constant companion
Since I was in my twenties.

And Gibran's "The Prophet"
Travelling with me
Almost as long!

Two peacock feathers

And a set of brass divining rods.

Two pairs of Chinese Exercise Balls

That ring like chimes.

No, there’s a third pair, smaller.

A nice little hexagonal bamboo box

With a wooden stash box inside.

But alas no stash!

Pencil boxes full of pencils

Worn too short to use

But still too good to throw away.

Now where did I put those other

Pencils?

There are no Gods or Goddesses here

I care for them better,

But there might be their footprints

In the dust.

An old Head-hunter's Mandu
Hanging by my chair
Still sharp enough to take a head
Or chop through thickest jungle.
A Gurkha Kukri
From my days with those
Gentle souls from the Mountains!

A carved box full of yet more pencils

Still haven’t found the first lot!

And two little plastic tick lifters

For getting ticks off dogs.

There’s a Chinese Water Pipe,

But without a tassel or the right tools.

People think they’re Opium Pipes,

But that’s just wishful thinking,

They’re one shot tobacco pipes!

I know what an Opium Pipe looks like!

But I don’t have one.

Anymore!

Here’s a Stanley knife,

Still sharp, because

I just cut my thumb on it!

I was looking for the bandage

I put on it, everywhere!

Finally I found it floating

In the loo. Guess I can’t

Use that one again!

And special cloths for cleaning

Your eye-glasses but

They’re never large enough!

A tube of glue, set so hard

I might use it for a wedge

To keep the back door open.

At this point I turn around

And find all my tidying

Has wrecked my room.

Destroyed it utterly!

It’s worse than when I started.

There are piles of papers

And boxes piled

All over the room!

Bags of shredded documents

And the shreds that escaped

On the Carpet!

And a foot has come off

My guillotine

And I just can’t abide

A wobbly guillotine!

And I can’t find my glasses!

They’re not on my nose

And they’re not on my forehead.

Where the f**k did I put

That cardboard box

Full of old eye-glasses?

I should have listened

To Dear Dorothy.

She says there’s always

Better things to do

Than to clean and tidy!

I just know she’s right!

Anybody want any

Very short pencils?

Copyright © Res JFB 1st August 2015