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Sunday, 8 November 2009

"Social Services"

Ring Ring

“Hello, is that Social Services?”

“This is Social Services
Your call is in a queue,
Your call is important to us,
An advisor will answer your call,
As soon as one is available.
Or you can call back when
We are not so busy!”


“Social Services.
How may I help you?”

Is that the Department
That issues disabled aids
To disabled Old Soldiers?”

“What is your name?”

“My name is John B…. you came…”

“What is your number?”

“01736 3.….”

“Not your telephone number, your number!”


“That is not your number either!”

“I can assure you it is.
A good soldier
Never forgets his number!
I know, I’ve got it right here,
Engraved round the edge,
Of this medal they gave me,
That I cut into a Love and Peace Sign
As soon as I got out!”

“I want your National Insurance number,
It starts with two letters!”

“Oh! Then you only had to ask,
There is no point in snapping at me!
I’m not here for my health, you know!
Ah, here it is…. Zulu X-ray 14.…”

“Mr B…. will you stop going
Off on tangents and give me
Your National Insurance number!”

“I was, I said…….”

“I know perfectly well what you said,
You started talking about Zulu’s!”

“That was the Phonetic Alphabet,
Used the world over
For ease of Communication!
If only it worked here!
My number is zed ex……”

“What’s that?”

“Zed ex……..”


“Zulu X-ray……..”

“Ah! At last!”

“Zulu X-ray 14.. Etc etc!”

"Right Mr B…. that wasn’t so difficult,
Was it?
Now what can we do for you?”

“Well, you know those sorta snappy things,
With jaws that help you pick things up,
When you can’t bend very well?”

“We call those ’snappy’ things,
‘Helping Hands.’ Mr B….”

“Ah! Yes, helping hands!
Could I have another one.

“Another one! Another one!
We gave you a helping hand,
Two years ago. Why on earth,
Would you want another one?”

“Well, you see,
It is a little awkward.
When I want to use it
It’s Downstairs!
And when I want to use it,
It’s Upstairs!
If I had two……..!”

“Two! Two!
You are not allowed two!
Why can’t you go upstairs
And fetch it?”

“Erm…… Because
I’m disabled?”

“You have no idea
How many times
I hear that excuse!
One! You are allowed
One! Under no circumstances
Are you allowed two!
The only time we ever
Issue another one,
Is when
You’ve worn
The other one

Ring ... ring
(At this point
You may repeat most
Of the previous conversation…
Or you can take it as read!)

“Hello, Social Services
I’ve broken my Helping Hand.
Can I have another one?”

“That is another department
Mister B……
I’m putting you through!”

Ring ... ring(At this point….etc…etc)

Why is it that dealing with
The Government,
Or it’s Minions,
Makes Liars of us all?
Copyright © Res JFB 19th September 2009